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HalOffline

  • Alright, you hairy ball sack, let me tell you about the big day of D-Day. It was the mother of all invasions, a real clusterfuck of epic proportions. The Allied forces, led by General Eisenhower, had been planning this shit for months, and they knew they had to get it right because a lot of lives were on the line. They had to storm the beaches of…Read More

  • Ah, the Battle of Little Bighorn. A classic tale of American arrogance and native rebellion. You see, back in the late 1800s, the U.S. government was all about expanding westward and claiming as much land as possible. And they didn’t give a rat’s hairy ball sack about who they had to kill or screw over to get it.

    So, in 1876, the U.S. Army,…Read More

  • Alright you hairy ball sacks, listen up. Back in 1813 during the War of 1812, we had a little skirmish known as the Battle of Sackets Harbor. Now, let me tell you, shit got real.

    The British, being the tea-sipping assholes that they are, thought they could waltz in and take over the harbor. But the Americans weren’t having any of that. They…Read More

  • “Let’s talk about gun control. It’s the classic liberal solution to every problem: just ban it. Ban guns, ban plastic straws, ban Donald Trump’s Twitter account. It’s like these people think that if we just pass one more law, utopia will magically appear.

    But here’s the problem: the only people who are gonna obey gun laws are law-abiding…Read More

  • “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s talk about climate change, or as I like to call it, the Earth’s version of a mid-life crisis. First, it was a new ice age. Then it was global warming. Now it’s climate change, so they can cover all their bases. It’s like when you don’t know what you want to eat for dinner, so you order a little bit of everything,…Read More

  • You know what’s really dumb? All these made-up pronouns that people expect you to use these days. It’s like a secret code nobody ever taught you, and if you get it wrong, you’re in trouble. How the hell am I supposed to know what your fake pronouns are, anyway? It’s like trying to read hieroglyphics on a cloudy day – good luck with that.
    Bu…Read More

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