“Ladies and gentlemen, let’s talk about climate change, or as I like to call it, the Earth’s version of a mid-life crisis. First, it was a new ice age. Then it was global warming. Now it’s climate change, so they can cover all their bases. It’s like when you don’t know what you want to eat for dinner, so you order a little bit of everything, hoping that something will satisfy you.

And what about this Paris Climate Accord? It’s like trying to control a bunch of cats on catnip. Sure, some countries are in it, but what about China? They’re polluting the air with more coal than a hooker in Vegas. And India’s not far behind, but they get a pass because they’re “developing.” What the hell does that even mean? They’re developing into the same shithole we’re trying to fix.

And let’s not forget about Al Gore, the ultimate doomsayer. He said we’d all be dead 40 years ago, but we’re still here. It’s like when your ex tells you that you’ll never find someone better, but then you do, and you’re better off for it.

And what about that little Greta girl? She’s like a tiny Swedish Napoleon, trying to rally the troops for a lost cause. She’s like a mosquito in a nudist colony, always buzzing around and annoying the shit out of everyone.

So let’s face it, folks. The Earth will be just fine. It’s been here for billions of years, and it’ll be here long after we’re gone. The only question is, will we be here to see it? Or will we destroy ourselves before we have the chance? It’s like playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun. But hey, at least we’ll go out in a blaze of glory, like a bunch of drunk cowboys on the Fourth of July. Yeehaw!”