CAUTION:
In regards to all the people wanting to move or visit Florida from New York and California as well as many other heavily populated cities across the country..
Before you come to Florida to visit or live you must be aware of what is happening here. Especially, around the West Palm Beach and all of south Florida area. There’s a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers thus locals are easily agitated and are very hostile towards out of state newcomers.
So, if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing on our beaches, river bottoms, or lakes this summer, I think you should be aware that wolf spiders; yup wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The jungle will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers and blood suckers.
Our lakes are full of gators, fresh water sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos and their 99-year-old granny friends wearing bikinis and sometimes even less.
The manatees are going hungry because of red tide in the Gulf of Mexico and they have no mercy on anyone swimming near shore. Manatees see human beings as swimming McDonald cheese burgers with eyes.
Our rivers are full of drunks in inner-tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes, there have been a few incidences near Lake Okeechobee that have been reported on CNN.
Florida panthers have eaten many domesticated animals including cows, poodles and cute lil kitty cats and possibly some small children near rest areas on Inter-state 95 close to the Georgia line.
The local bear and coyote population are all ‘in heat’ and congregate near swinger’s clubs in Tampa & Fort Lauderdale and they all think your wife/girlfriend is very hot.
Snakes… don’t even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins here, and the Diamond Back Rattler Cobras and oh boy A 25 ft python has been discovered near Miami Beach laying in the sun acting like he owns the joint.
Poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation including palm trees that are full of drunken iguanas that are falling from the branch’s and knocking folks out; especially in Boca Raton.
We have had bear sightings at every park, garbage dump and town from Key West to Pensacola; it appears they are after your picnic baskets, please folks be-careful.
Cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars and also at the local Mercedes-Benz dealership near Palm Beach Island.
Watch out for the newly arrived jackalopes that the Californians brought with them, they have been extremely aggressive this season as they are getting accustomed to the dreaded Florida humidity.
We have the Skunk Apes invading our parks and it’s their mating season; “Just Saying”.
Porcupines are “stabbing” small children, should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.
Skunks have made their way down from Georgia and the Carolinas and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer and cigarettes while occasional asking for some spare change.
Murder hornets!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets, and swarms of giant crickets and even some Alabama grasshoppers as well as china virus infected deer from the upper reach’s of Northern New York that got here somehow because of the supply chain shortage according to my sources at CNN in Atlanta.
Scorpions from Germany have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, automobiles near the Hollywood Hard Rock Casino and tarantulas are now stealing people’s food especially babies food and biting blond blue eyed people like crazy just to be mean.
I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners (we had a jump in them after Tiger King) have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns because of federal government regulation prohibiting ownership.
In the northern part of the state its said people are being abducted by aliens while on the Space Coast near Coco Beach; used up rocket engines from Elon Musks Star-Link program have been crashing back to earth and falling into motel swimming pools up and down the Florida coast.
Former President Trumps body guards and entourage are all over the place causing terrible traffic congestion in and around Mar-a-Lago & Disney World and old people & Haitians and people with Virginia tags can’t drive.
Head lice brought in from shit hole countries now fly everywhere and we have vampire bats smuggled in via the Texas border with Mexico.
Gay folk are congregating near Interstate 4 in Kissimmee protesting the fact you can’t say gay in Florida, its highly illegal here to use them derogatory words and you will go to a work camp near Jacksonville if you aint careful.
There is a band of wild monkeys whom escaped from a crate that just flew in from Wuhan, China living on the runways at the Fort Lauderdale International airport causing air traffic disruptions & delays. I wouldn’t want to be on a jet plane landing there!
Gasoline is at an all time high and all the Tesla charging stations are all underwater because of climate change.
It is predicted by the national weather service that this will be by far the longest hurricane season in history.
Oh, and no one is vaccinated or wears masks except brainwashed democrats which is now just less than half of the entire population of the sunshine state.
I hear Myrtle Beach, Atlantic City and Boston are really nice though this time of year.”
Florida Man.