“Let’s talk about gun control. It’s the classic liberal solution to every problem: just ban it. Ban guns, ban plastic straws, ban Donald Trump’s Twitter account. It’s like these people think that if we just pass one more law, utopia will magically appear.

But here’s the problem: the only people who are gonna obey gun laws are law-abiding citizens. Criminals, by definition, don’t give a shit about the law. So you’re telling me that if we just pass a law banning guns, all the criminals are just gonna turn in their AK-47s and shotguns and switch to knitting sweaters? Good luck with that.

And let’s not forget that the people who are pushing for gun control are the same people who have armed guards protecting them 24/7. They’ve got fences and walls and security cameras and all kinds of shit to keep them safe. But for the rest of us, we’re just supposed to rely on the police, who are now being defunded and told to stand down in the face of riots and looting.

I mean, look, I get it, cops can be assholes. They pull you over for no reason, they give you tickets, they tase you for jaywalking. But when some thug is breaking into your house at 3am and you’re cowering in the corner, who are you gonna call? Ghostbusters?

And let’s not forget about the 2nd amendment, which is like the holy grail of gun ownership. It says that we have the right to bear arms, and that’s a pretty important right. It’s like the 1st amendment, but with bullets. And if you think the government is just gonna give up that power, you’re living in a dream world.

So the next time some liberal starts spouting off about gun control, just remember: they’ve got armed guards protecting them, and you’ve got a hairy ballsack. Who do you think needs a gun more?”